2013 Valentines Day Flowchart, But I'm Too Buzzed to Open Photoshop So It's Just Gonna Be an Ordered List, OK?

1. Fall in love with girl.
2. Facebook her.
3. She accepts friend request.
4. Send her joke on Facebook.
5. She does not respond to joke.
6. Delete Facebook, destroy computer, start new life in Holland.
7. Begin new career as windmill critic.
8. Become successful in leading Dutch windmill magazine, “Pinwheels of the Sky.”
9. Meet really nice Dutch girl.
10. Buy her tulips, the Dutch have a total hard-on for that shit.
11. Get her some wooden shoes, too.
12. I don’t know, everything else I know about Holland involves weed and prostitutes in Amsterdam.
13. Get her some weed and prostitutes from Amsterdam.
14. Arrive at girl’s door with enormous set of gifts.
15. Find out she has been married the whole time, she just doesn’t wear a ring because the Dutch are apparently above letting a brother know when a girl’s taken.
16. Well, just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score.
17. Go for it anyway.
18. Goalie comes home as you try to kiss her.
19. Goalie beats you with his wooden shoes.
20. Goalie expresses how ethnically sterile your gifts are.
21. Restart life again, now in Louisiana.
22. Why the fuck did you come to this sweat hole?
23. Restart life again, now in Montana.
24. Ha! No girls can ruin your life up here.
25. Start large cow farm.
26. Find great success in dairy production.
27. Invent new, juicier cheese than competitors.
28. Get really attached to one particularly pretty cow.
29. But that’s so wrong.
30. How terrible.
31. No, the cow likes bad boys.
32. But the Bible says….
33. The time for action is now.
34. Deny thy Maker and go to kiss cow.
35. Cow’s goalie comes home.
36. Cow’s goalie beats you with wooden shoes.
37. Forget about life.
38. Drink constantly so all human forms are mushy blobs to your eyes.
39. Fall in love with pretty mushy blob.
40. Mushy blob does not have goalie.
41. Mushy blob is goalie.
42. Mushy blob goalie is pretty into you.
43. He likes really forward guys.
44. Doesn’t mind your drunken lifestyle.
45. He doesn’t mind when you talk about cows and cheese chemistry all day.
46. Move with mushy blob goalie to New York.
47. Get married in whatever New York has instead of churches.
48. Live happily ever after.

Tags: 2013, cow, dating, dutch, Facebook, list, love, valentine's day