A Pokemon Review from the Distant Future

Oominpie, readers! Today is the day!! Yes, June the 45th, 2057, the day the newest iteration of Pokemon finally hits our brain-logs, the highly anticipated Pokemon இ and Pokemon ஐ. And here at Not in Front of the Children (owned by Newscorp), we have your first review of these incredible games, created and directed by James Cameron.

JamesCameronHWOFOct2012

 

Fresh-off his latest film, “Aliens vs. Terminator: Give Me Your Money”

We pick up our story right where Pokemon ♬ and ☎ left off: defeated by the cunning Dalleroso Spectada (voiced by North West), the ancient evil Emperor Pikachu is cast into the fires of Hell. But the Curator of Darkness has other plans!

Pikachu has scaled the walls of Hell itself, battling the ghosts of Saddam Hussein and Millard Fillmore, and is ready to wreak havoc on the Battlestar Kanto once again! It’s up to Dalleroso’s son Mink Ubongo (voiced by the Tupac hologram) to save the day!

2012 Coachella Music Festival - Day 3

 

Shown here with the 2026 gold-medal winner of the 50-yard dash.

Like the last twenty-five versions of Pokemon, you choose a starter from the three basic types: Nougat, Elk and Jubilee. These will be the Pokemon that drive your adventure, so choose wisely!

The format is the same as always: 8 gym leaders, each with increasingly strong arguments against socialism. Each lives in their own separate, colorful, and unique desert wasteland, which take approximately three months to traverse. After you collect all 8 badges from the gym leaders (and their first childs’ toes), you must fight the Elite Four, which is, you guessed it, four battalions of 900 soldiers, bent on your castration.

It was a bold move by publisher Nintendo-Papa Johns to add so many new Pokemon to this iteration. There are a staggering seven (7!!) new Pokemon added to the National Dex, bringing the grand total to forty-five (45!!!! :D). The rebuilding after the nuclear attacks of Pokemon ♣ and ↙ is evident, and the number of new Pokemon climbing from the molten-sands of New Sinnoh make things very interesting for us hardcore Poke-nerds.

Mushroom Cloud

 

They just gotta brand everything nowadays.

Of course, with new Pokemon comes new Pokemon-types. It’s fascinating to see the new dichotomy between the once-weak Key Lime Pie type taking on the now rough-around-the-edges Wi-Fi type. There is also now a bonus for Whining against Bitches and Congress against Base Hope of Future.

But what more can be said of this incredible series that has urged us to “catch ‘em all” for round about sixty years now? The fans flock to the behemoth that is Pokemon every chance they get and they are satisfied time and time again, regardless of what tweaks the developers make, good or bad.

So we raise a toast to Pokemon இ and Pokemon ஐ; may your fruition be sweet and your moneys be cataclysmically large. Amen. So say we all. Tread lightly.

Final Score: ☍ out of (︶︹︺)

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About Eric Skala

Wit is directly proportional to available bourbon.

2 comments

  1. xalbatrosswingx

    LOLOLOL Good one :D

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