The 7 Circles of My Inferno

The world as we know it is based on rules. Don’t believe me? Try dropping something up, you smartass. Can’t do it, can you? Boom. Rules’d.

Fuck yeah, Gravity!

Yeah science, bitch!

We know that the sun will rise in the East and set in the West. We know you shouldn’t punch a stranger’s child in the face. We know that you’re supposed to tip your waitress for going through the trouble of bringing your sorry ass 15 refills of Dr Pepper in addition to those 9 cups of ranch you needed.

Straight to Your Thighs

“…and THEN you’ll explode!”

Unfortunately, there’s a large amount of people who willfully ignore that final category of unwritten rules. And while committing grand theft auto will get you 10 years in the slammer, “being a shithead” routinely goes unpunished. So like the poet Dante, I have compiled a set of consequences for seven of these vitriolic annoyances.

The Over-Eager Doorman

You’re about 10 seconds away from a building, and someone insists on holding the door for you. While it’s usually a kind gesture, being at just the wrong distance results in two equally terrible choices: speed up to a pace that feels decidedly awkward or maintain your current pace and feel decidedly awkward.

Too Far

No one wins here. Ever.

The Punishment

If you are guilty of this act, you will be required to work at a hotel or Wal-Mart as a volunteer (i.e. unpaid) doorman for no less than a year. The monotony and thankless nature of the task will hopefully discourage you from establishing yourself as a doorstop so quickly in the future.

The Proper Punishment

If you are guilty of this, you will be required to hold a door for Sir Lancelot, as played by John Cleese.

The brave!

This guy.

You will spend eternity holding the door, waiting for him (no one knows when he will arrive…not even Lancelot himself). To make matters even worse, you’ll be fully aware that when Lancelot finally DOES get there, he is going to stab you.

Ah HA!

And until he arrives, the drums will roll.

The Indecisive Patron

It’s your lunch break, and you only have half an hour to eat. You duck across the street to McD’s, assuming the “fast food” nomenclature will hold true. You get inside, and there’s a line of 5 people. Doing some quick calculations in your head, you decide that each order should take at most 2 minutes, so you should get to make your order in about 10 minutes, which would leave you 10 minutes to eat your lunch AND 10 minutes to experience regret for picking McDonald’s.

Like cows to the slaughter. Oh the irony.

Yeah math, bitch!

4 customers remain. Now 3. Now 2. The person in front of you arrives at the register, and to your dismay, all they can say is, “Hmm…what should I get today?”

The Punishment

If you have been waiting in a line and haven’t made up your mind by the time it’s your turn, you will be forced to go to the back of the line immediately. If you still haven’t made up your mind by the second time you reach the front, you will be forcefully removed from the restaurant.

The Proper Punishment

Dear mother of God, if you don’t know what you’re going to get as soon as you step inside the door of a fast food chain, you will never be allowed to pick what you get to eat ever again. Whatever they give you is what you get. At every restaurant you eat at. Forever.

I'm lovin' it!!!!

I’m sure this is what you would have ordered anyway. Eat up.

The Selfish Consumer

You work at the McDonald’s where the Indecisive Patron was carried into the streets and beaten by an angry mob. Justice has been served for that one person, at least, but there are still dozens of vile offenders you come across every day. People who rearrange the dining area so they can prop their feet up while they stuff their face. People who yell at you because it’s May and you don’t have pumpkin shakes. People who think, “They close at 10? It’s only 9:55! PLENTY of time!”

An Artistic Masterpiece

People who wait 30 minutes without waving someone down and decide to take it out on the person who cleans the tables.

The Punishment

If you are a terrible customer at a restaurant, you will be required to work at that restaurant for a minimum of 3 years. You will experience firsthand how shitty customers can be, and you will learn to never be like that ever again.

The Proper Punishment

For the rest of your life, people will regularly break into your house just to make a mess and rearrange your shit. They will dump all of your ice in the sink. They will spill on the carpet and  then move the couch to hide it. They will clog your commode with paper towels. Also, they will steal your toilet paper. All of it.

Good for asses AND assholes!

Apparently this fetches a high price on the asshole black market.

The Ignorant Motor Operator

You’re driving through town when the guy in front of you slams on his brakes. You respond in kind, wondering if maybe there’s a wreck up ahead. Or a toddler in the street. Or a cat.

DON'T SWERVE.

No…if it was a cat, they would have sped up.

As they come to a complete stop, their left turn signal starts to blink, and you realize that they intended to turn the whole time. They just didn’t think you should know about it. It’s not like you’d be liable in an accident or anything.

The Punishment

If you repeatedly neglect your turn signals or cruise control, you will be required to take Driver’s Ed again. You will have to attend the 3-hour night classes with a bunch of whiny teenagers. You will have to watch Red Asphalt III. You will have to listen while some old bastard drones on about how long it takes a fully loaded tractor-trailer with hot brakes to stop. Failure to comply will result in forfeiture of your license.

Oops.

It’s anywhere from 450 to 600 feet, by the way.

The Proper Punishment

You will spend the rest of your days in a world where every other driver is the old lady from the end of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

MOVE IT, GRAMMA!

This old broad.

Welcome to hell, you son of a bitch.

The Glorified Objector

Your associate uses Verizon. You have AT&T. Your associate repeatedly tells you that you’re an idiot because you won’t switch. He says the same thing about your Mac versus his Dell. And your Playstation 3 versus his XBox 360. Basically, everything you have picked is wrong because he picked the other one, even though the things you have chosen work just fine.

Obviously, they're the same.

Look at the difference!!! LOOK AT IT.

The Punishment

If you are so adamant about which brand you are associated with that you will fight someone over it, you will be immediately converted to the Amish. You will no longer get to bitch and moan about why yours is better, because fuck you and your electronic indignation.

The Proper Punishment

For the rest of your days, the only interaction you will get with electronics is the business end of a Taser and Superman 64. For every hour that you have not solved Lex Luthor’s maze, you will be shocked.

Superman 64

This is truly a fate worse than death.

The Cinematic Socialite

The lights dim, the projector kicks on, and the previews start rolling. You’re about to embark on a journey into a brave new world, complete with laughter, tears, and hopefully Nicolas Cage. That is until some colossal prick starts ruining your immersion by checking his phone. Repeatedly. “I’m expecting an important call!” they might say. “Then don’t come to the theater, you vainglorious asshat!” is what you should say.

BLAH BLAH BLAH IT'S ALL ABOUT ME

“Yeah…no…uh-uh! Hold on…everyone else here is being a dick.”

The Punishment

If you are guilty of repeatedly using your phone during a film, you will be blacklisted from all theaters for the rest of your life. You’re spoiling something enjoyable for everyone else, so you shouldn’t be given the opportunity to do so again. Besides, paying out the ear to watch a movie and deciding to watch your handheld facebook machine instead makes absolutely no sense to anyone with a rational brain.

#iSuck

“I paid $16 for this IMAX ticket! All 6 of my followers need to know this RIGHT NOW.”

The Proper Punishment

Someone who is guilty of repeatedly using their phone during a film will be surgically blinded and have their thumbs removed. Is this barbaric? A bit. Would it solve the problem? You bet.

The Malevolent Ruiner of All Good Things

This is the mother of all annoyances. This is the person who takes pleasure in being a monumental dick just for the sake of being a monumental dick. This is the person who walks past a midnight release and screams the spoilers to Harry Potter. This is the person who lights their blanket on fire at a Muse concert, forcing everyone else to sit on the wet ground. This is the person who tried to turn their sneaker into an explosive, making it mandatory for everyone to remove their shoes at airport checkpoints until the end of time.

Pubeface McShithole

This piece of SHIT.

The Proper Punishment

There is no middle ground for this person. They will be shot in the dick so they can never have kids. Is being a fuckhead genetic? Probably not. But why risk it, you know?

 

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About Handsome Rob

When he's not busy trying to save the world using only his charm, Rob is usually picking fights with Bigfoot. When he's not doing that, he's teaching the leaders of tomorrow how to add fractions. Following him can be a bumpy ride, so hold on to your butts.

One comment

  1. JP

    Someone who is guilty of repeatedly using their phone during a film will be surgically blinded and have their thumbs removed. Is this barbaric? A bit. Would it solve the problem? You bet.

    I disagree. if you do that they’ll just get a phone with voiceless controls and speak to it to get stuff done while listening to the movie which will annoy us more.

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