Hello reader(s)! …. The “s” there is wishful thinking.
Let’s be honest, if you’re reading this you are clearly lost on the internet, Grandma. And as an frail old woman, with dainty sensibilities, I highly recommend you go back now (that’s the little arrow pointing left at the top left corner of your screen) because:
After a wildly long overdue hiatus, Letters to Kanye is making a special return to do the second annual edition of the worst article ever written for this site (and possibly the only marginally funny thing I ever contributed). That’s right, awards show season is here, and between the shittiness of the Grammy’s, the outright racism of the Oscars (1 total nom for Selma?!?), and the overwhelming gayness of the Tony’s, there’s only one award show you should be following- the yearly AVN awards! That’s right, there’s an awards show that honors the best in adult film-making!
Before we begin, please note I don’t know a damn thing about the actual AVN awards (I’m like 90% sure they already happened…) and all of these titles and predictions are completely fake- just like when the girls in a porno seem to be enjoying the violent, degrading sex!
Wow. That was depressing! Let’s get started: We’ll follow the same format as my last prediction piece, so first up is…
Best Picture: A Hairy Man Pipes Her
Starring Porn Valley royalty Bradley “stick-it-in-her” Pooper, “A Hairy Man Pipes Her” chooses to focus on the fetish of male hair. Apparently some women are into hairy men. Who knew?
Anyway, pretty boy Pooper plays a Navy Seal that honorably discharges himself into any woman who appears on screen. Then he stares vacantly and refuses to speak to them or engage with them at all after he unloads his weapon on them- but its not because he is a jerk or because the women are treated like mere sex objects in like literally EVERY porn ever made. No, in this case its because he has PTSD from his multiple tours of service in Operations “Cock and Awe” and “Pleasure Storm”. 20 minutes or so of bullshit talking later, he learns to cope with his PTSD and then tries to help other veterans become better lovers too, mostly by giving them viagra, and um… shit I don’t know, nobody watches this shit for the plot.
Film Highlight: Bradley exclusively calls his penis the “Pipe-her Rifle”
Best Use of Current Events: Whorelandia
If you took the time to read the first of these articles, you’ll know that I bashed on hipsters pretty hard. If you didn’t and just jumped right into this one then this should suffice: Just, you know, fuck hipsters. They can wipe their shit-eating grins off of their 1800s mustachioed faces with their stupid asshole vinyl records anytime now. You could say I hate hipsters like real black people hate Tyler Perry.
But as I mentioned before- seriously, if you haven’t, go back and read the first AVN article, you need the context and our shitty site needs the page views- hipster thinking always dominates the “Best Use of Current Events” category. Hipsters pretty much exclusively dictate what is in and what is “now.” And those stupid, smug bastards pride themselves on not being “mainstream” while they pretty much define what is mainstream in media, fashion, facial hair, and everything. Fun Fact, Hipsters: That is actual fucking irony.
So anyway, my belief that hipster culture will dictate the winner of the “Current Events” award leads me to take the easy selection of “Whorelandia”. This parody of the cult favorite “Portlandia” stars Fred Warmsemen as a trendy comic book storeowner in the sluttiest town on the West Coast. Chicks just can’t stop asking for rides on his stupid-ass carnival barker mustache. Even though I hate it, I am here to predict who I think will win, not who I think should win.
If that were the case I’d clearly go with “Fergie’s Son.” It stars Fergie from the Black-Eyed Peas- because let’s face it, the Black-Eyed Peas have hit some hard financial times in recent years- in her porn debut. It’s use of the classic Step-Mother/Step-Son taboo is delicately nuanced and updated for 2015’s tense racial climate by the simple fact that her stepson is black. Watch them come together to bridge the racial divide seen so poignantly in recent tragedies like Ferguson, MO… and then move back apart… and then come together again like three or four hundred more times. Truly this is Dr. King’s Dream made a reality, we live in a day when white women who act black to make a living can have sex on camera with black men for sad, desperation money when that living fails them.
Best Original Score: Cosby’s Kooky Concoctions
Ha! You thought there’d only be one Cosby joke in this article?!? That’s dumber than drinking a Long Island poured for you by Cosby himself. In this film, the chloroform Cos plays a Jell-O Labs scientist working to discover exciting love potions to give to women in order to make an aging, overweight, lousy hack of a comedian who’s spent the past decade relying too heavily on saying words funny and making awkward noises (such as himself) seem sexually attractive. It wins “Best Original Score” in my opinion because of the brilliant choice to use Cosby’s 1980s hit “Bill Cosby Talks to Kids about Drugs” as the soundtrack.
Smash Hit of the Year: Ray Rice’s Donkey Punchout (Instructional Video)
It’s rare for an educational film to win an AVN award- people want to see the dirty, raunchy sex; not the sterile instructional video kind. But this is a gem of an instructional video, and Rice’s stardom is enough to lend some credibility to what could have otherwise been stale and boring. Its amazing what you can learn to do if you have access to: lots of alcohol, little to no morals, years of performance enhancing drugs (like steroids), and an elevator! Rice covers all the pertinent details like when to restrain yourself and not punch your partner with full force.
If you follow his simple steps, you’ll have your own grainy surveillance camera footage of you dragging your lover out of an elevator, cussing at her, and throwing her shoes at her limp, lifeless body in no time! But what puts it over the top though, and I think clinches the award for it, is the secret bonus scene where Rice teaches you how to get your partner to apologize to you after the fact!
Congratulations, if you made it through this article, you are a terrible human just like me! Thanks for reading an article that I built entirely around a couple of funny porno names I came up with one time!